Universal Fallacy

    Some of my recent posts have been on a dark note, I thought I should give some background as to why.

    I am not in a rush to die, but I do not, and never have, wanted to live in a universe like ours. Our universe is fatally flawed in terms of fairness or morality, in that neither concept has a place, even in human society both are often ignored. I want no part of it, I hate it, and I want somewhere else to go.

    So, I play video games. I read books. I create art. I write stories. I escape.

    Because there is nothing here for me, I do not belong here, I was never given the choice.

    And the truth is, I only began to actively seek the miniscule amounts of contentment that I could in our horrible, broken universe when I realized that I couldn't kill myself and reach an afterlife, a rebirth, or some other state of being with absolute certainty those things exist. To me, that was the only way out, and that was 6 years ago.

    Now, I believe there is none.

    Animals used to be my example for peace. I thought hey lived together in forests in harmony, free from human flaws like greed and malice, but nature is cruel and horrible, perhapse worse than humanity in some ways. No even the animals live in true idealism, what hope do humans have of it?

    And why is our universe so horrible to me? There is no such thing as fairness. In nature, I would be killed by my own mother for being weak. There is no justice. In nature, many things kill not just out of need, but out of spite and hate. Bullying is common in nature, aggressors go unpunished. There is no objective good. What is right and wrong is fickle and gauged by the majority of humanity, and changes depending on who's in power. Often those concepts are created or built on for corrupt ends.

    We are taught from birth not to take people at face value - to expect dishonesty. We are taught that our opinions should be kept to ourselves in many social situations - to lie. We see people gain success and power through underhanded means - cheating. Some of us learn there are no consequences  for bullying others - violence. Most of us look away when others are being oppressed - cowardice. We are taught virtues, and slowly, subtly, insidiously discouraged from them by society - hypocrisy. We are truly a species worthy of scorn and hatred. Whatever greater agency may pass by our planet should not look on us as anything but despicable savage animals, like rabies-infested dogs caught in the light of an incoming bus we are easily frightened into paralysis, never moving to act on our behalf or the behalf of others. But the universe is like this, not just us. Therefore, no greater enlightment is expected of us. Nothing is expected of us at all. We are meaningless. Everything is.

    Everything is without purpose.

    There is no way to know if we are good people. I need this information, I cannot live without it.

    I have built my entire life around the concept of justice and fairness. Without these concepts as objectives, I am nothing, I am worthless and have no reason to exist. I lose the will to exist. My purpose loses its meaning. I become nothing.

    I do not want to be here. I want to go somewhere else.

I'm Not Cool

But that's okay.

So while at my grandparents' house yesterday, I showed my grandmother the recent thing I painted (because showing your grandparents your accomplishments never stops feeling good :V) and then I found a bunch of my old crap on her machine from 3+ years ago. I was going to delete it all but then she demanded I not do that, she keeps everything of mine, regardless of how terrible it is or not. (I love my grammy ;v)

So, for shits and giggles I decided to upload some of it to my dA scrapbook. Here, look at the amazing artist I was in 2010 and earlier, gaze in wonderment at my infinite knowledge of MS Paint and bad grammar.
http://kazeskyfox.deviantart.com/art/Pickel-389212346
http://kazeskyfox.deviantart.com/art/What-happens-at-3am-389213689

Here's the thing: I am not a cool artist. I never started off with some amazing art talent. A lot of cool artists show me their art from 5 years back and complain about flaws I cannot see, meanwhile their at they believe is terrible might even look better than my art currently, or at least like skills I have only recently grasped.

And then there's me, too embarrassed about my old art to do anything but nod and agree most of the time. Most of the cool people drew like I did when I was 18 when they were 10. When I was making terrible comics in 9th grade, they were far superior to my level. When I was yelling at my art teacher in 10th grade for dissing anime, they were making still-life paintings like Cezanne on crystal meth. When I was making terrible MS Paint fanart while alternately flaming the sonic fandom 3 years ago, they were painting landscapes like a Bob Ross.

I am anything but a special snowflake. I was not born with Michelangelo's blessing, I did not demonstrate phenomenal ability at age 5, I never took art classes, I didn't win any awards, and I've never been to a proper art college.

But, you know what? I think that's okay. I talk to a lot of people online who also think I'm some kind of art god, I run into people all the time who are impressed with me, I see people say how they can't even draw a stick figure or understand color theory, I see people who joke about how great their MS Paint art looks, I see people who say they used to draw in school but lost interest when they saw how amazing other kids their age were on the internet, and my heart goes out to all those people, but the truth is, I'm not that impressive. I was exactly like them until roughly 2 years ago. All my ability (as proud of it as I am) just came from practice and watching other people and how they drew. Really, that's all, no relation to Da Vinci or sacrificing a black lamb involved.

Of course I'm still embarrassed about it, I'm human, I want to be cool and special, I wish I were like one of those phenomenal artists who was always 50 levels above everyone like a Skyrim guard on Expert difficulty.

But I'm not, I just tried really hard and took good advice from good people. I'm not cool but that's okay, my fans love me anyway. And so do I. :V

Dark Places

This weekend has been full of thoughts, some of them very dark, even for me.
And others full of color.
But mostly full of meaning.

    Articulating all of them is difficult, and I'm not sure if my overall attitude is positive or desperate - I'm a proper cynic, optimism doesn't come easily to me, but assuming I know what it feels like, I think that's how I feel, and I earned it through fighting depression and doubt.
I had help, though.

I feel okay about sharing this publicly. I could be mocked for it, but that's okay, because there are things I want to tell people that I hope can help someone.

    About six weeks ago, my depression came to a head. I think I wrote a blog post about it, but it's mostly incoherent groping for words in a flood of strong feelings. I'd like to say that I hope someone can relate, but at the same time, I'm not sure I want anyone else to feel that miserable, hopeless, desperate, and like you have the world on your shoulders and a black rock in your chest. I became so depressed that I made myself physically sick from it - yes, that can happen. Depression is also a neurological and chemical affliction and not just a psychological one - and after trying to vent online to my friends in a Skype chat about it for a while, I made the aforementioned post.

    I should note that the specific chat I vented in is full of people who are good friends to me. I might only know them online, but we have shared deep conversations - and very involved arguments - about things that make me feel like we both know each other and care about each other. There is a mutual air that we enjoy each other - well, mostly - and that I feel confident that they are concerned with me, which they have proven to me on multiple occasions.

    Unfortunately, that night was an exception.
A person who I have a lot of respect and admiration for said something in roughly four lines to make the entire thing worse. I don't blame this person, I think if they knew just how truly bad off I was, they wouldn't have said this thing to me. It probably didn't help that, in that state of thinking, my usual clear-cut sentences were jumbled into meaning nothing to others. But I need to bring this up to illustrate my point.

What did she say to me? Something along the lines of "Invite me back when you're done whining about not getting your way."

    I should note that I wasn't particularly upset about one thing as much as a bunch of things, and that I don't recall specifics about it but also don't remember being upset about something not going my way - quite the opposite, since an issue I've been dealing with since graduation was finding my own direction in society and giving other people something I feel truly passionate about. And even if this doesn't sound like something that would be particularly upsetting to someone, I've been told things like this all my life. My family finally came to understand the depths of my complicated issues, legitimately diagnosed or otherwise, several years ago, but that still left teachers, peers, and internet presences all treating any issue I had as shallow or "whining about nothing" and there are times in life when a person is really upset. Even if it is about something small, their feelings obviously are not. Because of my own struggles with these issues, I try never to tell someone else they're worried about nothing, or if someone is upset or sad, I want to sympathize with them in some way and let them know that it's okay to cry sometimes even over small things, because we all need the relief it brings.

    My reaction to the statement, paraphrased as I've made it, was not positive - it actually turned into the worst thing it could have. A negative remark became the catalyst for my dark thoughts to overwhelm me, and I was seriously considering ending everything in the fastest possible way.

    I was shaking ,and crying, and I do not even remember what pills I took that night, but they couldn't have been that strong because I got to five or six before getting a text. It was like I forgot I had a cellphone. (Damn good cellphone too, I've dropped it many times but it still works and the phone plan is cheap. Fuck yo smartphones) I checked my messages, and I saw it was one of my friends wondering where I was or if I went to bed.

    My resolve collapsed and I sat in the middle of the floor crying for a very different reason.
This was one of my couple friends who both contemplate suicide - probably my best friend, actually - I have encouraged them out of it before, assuring them that people do care about them, including me.
And I was about to do the same damn thing to them.
I could have even been the catalyst for them.

    I related this to my mother the other night. To my horror and relief she told me how broken she would be if I did that. I have always viewed myself as the useless daughter that grew up to do nothing with their life and mooched off of her food and bills, and when I told her this she became so angry, and I became so ashamed.

    The past six weeks have been heavy for me. I've come in and out of depression and I'm still being treated for it professionally - pills and therapy do help, I encourage anyone who hasn't looked at that as an option to consider it - but one thing has made it easier to cope with.
There are people who care about me, including them.

    My best friend pulled me out of a very dark place, my friends give me help and comfort when I need it and I try to do the same for them. We keep each other from falling into dark places, and we are all each other's light.

And they really do care about me.

    The people in our lives can be shoulders to lean on even when they are not physically there. Even when it seems illogical, genuine caring and friendship resonates with people even through the darkest places. Reach out to your friends and take their hands, regardless if you're the one pulling or they are.