True Faith

    Around 1AM I made a speedpaint and posted it around the web around 2:30, after finally figuring out how to upload it as a jigsaw puzzle so people can play with my spontaneous art.
    Why? Because I want it to make people happy, and ifs omeone comes across it and it brings them a little warm feeling in their day, I consider that a victory.

    Around 3AM I started to have what I call a fear spike - that's when, for whatever reason, be it eating too much junk food, staying up when I'm tired, not getting enough vitamin K, or struggling with the horror that is existential crisis, my naturally extreme anxiety mounts into something that has a 50% chance of growing into a full-blown panic attack and if you have no idea what that looks like or god forbid feels like, I hope with all the sincerity in my heart you never do. Anyway, this happened frequently in Q2 and Q3 of last year, but around winter I finally was able to get adequate medical treatment and started getting really proactive about balancing the little things like diet and productivity that effect our chemical and mental health.

    But even so, these things still occur. And when they do, they make me look hard at my life, because even though fear spikes amplify all of your issues by a thousand, when you're feeling better, the issues are still there, and the best thin you can do is try to deal with them.

    In my case, I have dealt with this and several other problems related to my health for years - sometimes, my entire life. As a result, I am a very introspective person. Sometimes I will even dig into the parts of my soul that physically and mentally hurt to disturb so that I can understand a problem. Sometimes that only increases the intensity of my anxiety-laced depression but it also turns over a rock in my mind and shows me the absolute most disgusting things about myself, and when the shock and horror wears off, I can begin to accept those things, or try to change them.

    I say this because I want to go back to that picture I made earlier in the morning. It's a very light, dreamy picture. It's supposed to make you feel good looking at it. In fact, aside from some of my vent art, all of my art is focused on vibrant expression and feeling good in different ways.

    Sometimes, people believe I'm an optimist for that reason. I find that somewhat insulting because when I think of optimists, I think of people who deliberately turn the other cheek at the world's injustices and breeze through life by ignoring their problems instead of confronting them. I am a very confrontational person when it comes to my issues. So why, then, is my art so happy? Wouldn't it make more sense to draw your true feelings instead of fluffy happy things?

    The truth is that my art does contain my true feelings - I have looked at some of the ugliest things about myself and I have been in a lot of really depressing situations. I acknowledge the world's evils, I rage about them frequently, I talk to my close friends about how depressing life can be sometimes and I am a very intense, serious person but in spite of all that, I still see the patches of light in the darkness of our world.

    I consider myself a misanthrope - I don't hate people, but I hate some constructs of human society like anything having to do with money, separating people by class, the degenerate, petty ways in which we compete with each other for power and the aforementioned money, but  don't hate individual people. I actually think humans as a species are incredibly flexible and steely at the same time. We are capable of imagination and even though the universe's lifespan has been calculated and is pretty much common knowledge, we continue to create, build, and thrive in the face of complete destruction. We are amazing in our ability to stare hard truths in the face and continue with our lives. In truth, I want to help people continue to do that. We are a strong species, and we hold each other up.

    I also consider myself a cynic - the idea that the only thing between me and uncertain death is the network of people I surround myself with who all have their own emotional crap to deal with and the doctors, police, firefighters, and everyday heroes who are not infallible and just as capable of screwing up as the rest of us is terrifying, but at the same time, we've survived for thousands of years and we really can support each other. We all have emotional crap and flaws to deal with, and when we all hold hands we can help hold each other up. Sometimes, one of my friends or myself needs others to compensate for their falling down, but the next day I might be bearing up under one of my friends who just needs to cry for a while.

    And that is beautiful to me. I am not putting a friendly face on a horrible concept; I'm acknowledging that there are things that frighten me but have genuinely found an aspect of something that speaks to me in a positive way.

    That's what I want my art to reflect.I want my art to be very human, I want to show people optimistic images that also speaks to them or that they can relate to. That is a tall order, but I think when we really explore humanity - all sides of it - we gain true faith in it, and it makes everything less scary.