Without Purpose

    Humanity is without heroes.

    We live in a world of shades of gray, the only way to know what is and isn't right or good is to aim for the majority.

    But what kind of world do we live in when the majority practices evil?

    Are we all damned sons of bitches? I think we might be worse. It might be time to accept the worst possible consequence of life: There is no such thing as a good guy. Our aspirations and ideals are comprised of lies, and always have been, for very petty reasons. We seek to explore ourselves for enlightenment through religion and spirituality, but what are we really doing? We are reaching out to gods that do not exist, or striving for ideals that only hurt us. The truth is that trying to be a good and right person is damaging to you. Those are constructs of society designed to control people, and we currently live in an age of moral ambiguity where everything is right and everything is wrong.

    As adults, we are supposed to think for ourselves, we are supposed to develop our own constitution, and we are supposed to live by our own code, but when everyone is doing that in their own way, the ideal of righteousness loses all meaning.

    Because we no longer have outside validation of whether or not we are right, and I honestly cannot tell myself that I am right or good anymore.

    Especially when I was born in the minority.

    I am not just talking about gaming culture which is 90% of my existence - I was born broken, I am alive because of technology, nature wanted me to die. I have struggled with being different from everyone else since the moment I was revived, and some people are quick to remind me that I am not like the majority.

    Human custom dictates that I am evil, because the evils are the minority.

    And so I have always been the villain. People have told me it was my fault for being a brat, but do they think I would have been that way if I were born to the norm anyway? Fair chances were never a part of my childhood, people either excluded me or felt so sorry for me that they gave everything to me, and I did not grow up with a concept of normalcy. There was nothing normal about my house, my schooling, or whatever interaction you can misinterpret as a social life. The only thing that made it worth living was listening to my grandparents tell me some god loved me despite being strange. That was the only thing that ever made me feel welcome in a world where even natural laws did not want me. Now I do not see a place for myself, every major group pushes me out or is naturally unappealing to me, and none exists for me. The one that used to feel like home has become a hostile and uncomfortable place to exist. People are violent and confrontational even when among allies.

    In fact, people are violent regardless of circumstance. The majority is all kinds of evils and sins, and the minority are all kinds of broken minds and bodies. We are either defective or damned souls and I don't even know which is better anymore.

    I have no clear concept of objective good, I don't even think it exists.

    And honestly, I do not want to live in a world without it. I can't live without it, it was the only thing I had and I lost it 5 years ago. I spent 5 years in a dull gray where nothing made sense and everything seems meaningless.

    We are all born, we accomplish subjectively successful things, and then we die. Maybe people will care about us throughout the course of our lives, but their feelings are also subjective, and those people are not infallible. In fact, there is nothing that says those people don't in fact have bad taste in friends. There is nothing to truly validate any one person's existence besides the hollow belief that what they are doing with their lives objectively matters.

    And how can we even tell if it objectively matters? There is no indicator, if there is a higher being it sure as hell isn't telling us. We only have each other, and the opinions of humans are a poor judge. They are not unbiased or objective, they are not perfect. There is no perfect way to know.

    And that knowledge has eaten away at me for five years.

    I used to believe I meant something in the grand scheme of things. Maybe that was arrogant, but I survived on arrogance. I don't think I can survive in a world where I cannot feel objectively important. That was my entire reason for living, to be objectively meaningful. I cannot do that, I'm just expected to construct my own meaning. In other words, I'm expected to lie to myself to scare off the belief that we are a meaningless species with too much self-importance and no objective impact.

    The likelyhood that any of my ideas will matter in the long run is not even an issue anymore. I will paint some pictures a few imperfect humans like and maybe make a few games that some fallible creatures will play, and then I will die. I will die and be buried like everyone else. I will not end my life in any better or worse stature than anyone else, so whaat is even the point of trying?

    That is what really gets to me. If there is no reward for living a productive and influencial life, and we all die the same way, are equally consumed by nature for resources, and there is nothing waiting for us, what is the purpose of our existence? I can see none, we are just food for microbes and insects and stardust in the end, we are equal in that regard, our false belief that personal achievement improves us objectively makes me sick to my stomach now. I have been lied to my entire life, and I have lied to myself to stay alive, but I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

    I will one day cease to function like a broken toy that is thrown in the garbage. The dead can't feel the love and admiration of their fans, or revel in their success. You can only do that for a short time in your life, and what is even the point of owning something you cannot keep? What is the point of "owning" your life when your life has an expiration date you cannot control? There is no point, everything is pointlessly temporary. Only permanence gives meaning to anything and a reason to live and grow, but everything I do can be taken away from me and my corpse will be as relevant to the universe as any criminal's.

    The life I want is one where what I do means something, where I can create and feel like it will benefit me throughout the ages, but that is not for me, that does not exist, and I want no other existence. The one offered me is not good enough. It will never be enough, I do not want to settle for anything less than that, I cannot possibly settle for anything less or I will just continue to waste away inside myself like I have for five years. Every day has been waking up one day at a time and hoping to god people are online that can validate my existence for the limited time that they can, but every other moment spent has no meaning to me besides to perpetuate misery and self-ruin. I can never be happy again, I cannot be motivated to create anything like I used to, the only reason I keep doing it is so other people can tell me I matter and that is not good enough anymore. Those people might believe what they say, but what people believe does not equal truth.

    And without absolute truth, I don't know how I am supposed to live. I'm sick of playing moral guessing games, I want something to either tell me what the fuck is expected of me or to end me, because unless I can believe I am fulfilling a destined purpose I cannot deal with this horrible world anymore. Putting up with evil humanity holds no reward, and therefore no purpose.

    I want nothing to do with a world without purpose.