Full Circle

    Well, the other day I was pretty upset, so I made a dA... and now my life has come full circle.

    There's a lot of things that upset me that my friends don't understand, like visiting a Sonic fansite, or signing up for a dA account. It has a lot to do with a war I fight every day with my inner demons, and it's a war I feel like I'm losing.

    Because I've told everyone the reason I deleted my old account was because I got sick of bullshit on the site, which was a lie, because I never want to admit anything is my fault, but everything was my fault, I repeatedly fucked up, I repeatedly exercised practices I condemned other people for, on every site I joined, I let people troll me until I cried, I threw myself into hysterical fits of rage, and when I got upset, I made the most incoherent, inflammatory journals. These are things a normal, sensible, mature person would not have done, but I was not any of those, and I feel that I am still not any of those.

    Mostly because I'm doing the same shit again, I feel like I'm never going to be the person I want to be, the cool, aloof person that gets all kinds of recognition for their work but can brush it off like it's meaningless, the air of logic that makes people follow them, I want to be that person.

    But now I think the only thing harder than trying to become the person you want to be is to not be the person you used to be.

    My entire life has become an attempt to distance myself from my past, I threw away my old characters, changed my art style enough to not be recognized, no longer contact and/or avoid people I used to know, avoid sites I used to frequent, and deleted as much as I possibly could, I want to erase it and pretend it never happened, because I'm ashamed of it, and it's just a failed attempt to me, I feel like I wanted something specific to happen but the opposite happened and I don't want to deal with the backlash or the consequences.

    Because I don't want to change, I don't want to stop complaining about the things that I complain about, but I don't want the horrible reactions that I got from it before either, so I have tried to make my complaints more logical, but I don't feel like it works that well. People no longer flame or troll me for them, but people don't agree with me either.

    But mostly, I just don't want people to look at me and see that immature kid that was so oblivious to the real world and so idealistic that they thought they could change an entire community but failed miserably and became bitter over it and everyone's favorite joke, because that's exactly what happened, it happened when I was 16, I'm still bitter about it, it caused me to re-evaluate everything about my life, to let go of my religion and my ideals, and to become what I am now, which is probably a good thing, but there are parts of me that still feel broken, I purged 90% of what I was raised to believe and completely reprogrammed myself over the course of a year, and in that year, I was volatile and unstable.

    And every time I think of it, I think of a screaming 4 year old, which is exactly what I compare myself to, a stupid kid that won't shut the fuck up, that throws a tantrum for decidedly frivolous reasons, that everyone around them wishes would fall in a hole and disappear, and that nobody else understands or cares to understand. Why should they care about what a toddler is screaming about? They have more decidedly adult matters to be bothered with, and that toddler is selfish and conceited and will blow up if the smallest little thing goes wrong.

    I think I will always be that person, and I wonder how long it will take, every day, for someone to recognize me and remind me that I am that person, for someone to ruin my life, the fake life that I redesigned and unsuitably call "self-improvement", the only way I can improve myself is to not be myself, there is no helping me, I am a difficult child that gives everyone a headache, it's been like this since I could utter a sentence, I'm not easygoing like my cousin who everyone loves, I'm the embodiment of annoying petulance.

    And now my life has come full circle, and I will again attempt to be the person I want to be, and fail, possibly by bitching in a journal like I always do and like I'm doing right now, and everyone will realize what a pathetic waste of time I am again and I will be right back at square one.